One of the toughest things to do is to call yourself out on your b.s.
But having to do just that has been on the precipice of my mind for as long as I’ve known but this past week, it has become more prevalent. I’ve mauled over my choices over the years and having critically looked at them, I can only come up with nothing short of utter disappointment, shame but mostly regret for the [yes-es] I gave that were supposed to be [no-s] and vice versa.
In all of this, one thing has been the fuel for the constant string of bad choices.
I have been afraid most of my life; of everything.
Of being ridiculed.
Of being rejected.
Of being found out.
Of being a failure.
Of not matching up to whatever imaginary versions of what I think is expected of me.
So much so that I haven’t tried much.
I’ve spent so much time in my head that I’ve barely being present to take action.
I’ve settled into a pattern of comfort that doesn’t befit me and the glory I was made to exude.
And no, I am not special and I do not have special problems.
That’s not the point of this. My head just “dey bost” with all the ‘cray-cray’
And here I sit with all the possibilities I can think of and the double amount of excuses to counter every last one.
But, someone rattled my nest and countered me on my facade of having a grip. And as foreign to my ‘laid-back, lazy, lackadaisical, not venture type’, let’s just say I have been pushed to the wall hard enough to let this go.
I have but one course from here on out.
There will be ridicule, rejection, failure and every f*#$&d up thing likely to happen but the voice behind the push said, nothing ventured, nothing gained.
To do. To move. To act. To Venture.
#NVNG
#unedited
